Part 13

Part 13

When I woke up again I was connected to even more cords and wires, but the room was different. This time they found out how and why this happened to me. When my mom gave me my pacifier after she had it in her mouth, traces of PCP was still in her mouth, and she passed it off to me without knowing; they assume. Since they were able to finally find the cause, child services came in with the guy that was at the agency during my visit. He explained to the Doctor and the child service worker that worked at the hospital what happened the day of my visit. 

"That explains a lot, now it makes sense as to how it got into her system again. We need to get a court order that states she can't see her daughter unless she's been clean for thirty days and have to be willing to take a drug text at the beginning of every visit." The Doctor mentioned.

"If that's the case, she needs more than an hour visit time, in order to get to know her own child." Heather said to the group and Mike agreed.

I started to cry to see if they'll get the hint but this time they didn't. I don't want to visit longer with my mom, I'd rather not have the visits at all, but since I can't speak for myself I have to show my dismay some other way. I'm going to hate doing this to Heather and Mike but I need them to fight for me, and right now they don't know that I disagree with their decision.

I turned three months in the hospital but guess what, I'm being released today. The Doctors said I'll still have withdrawal symptoms but I should be clear of all seizures unless given PCP, which is the reason I had the seizures in the first place. The Doctors also stated that I'm on course for my age; I can hold my head up without it wobbling, I can rollover but only on one side; I'll get the other side one day. I've even started what they call cooing, I call it talking but whatever.

Finally home in my crib when I heard the phone ring. There was complete silence, I guess whomever answered the phone picked it up downstairs because I couldn't hear the conversation. When Heather came upstairs to tell Mike what was going on, I heard everything. My visits with my mom is now three times a week for three hours each day, supervised by the agency, they'll drug test her at random, and when she goes to court.

Part 12

Part 12

I stayed in the hospital for another week or so and there wasn't a time that I woke up that either Heather or Mike wasn't sitting near me. This one morning a different Doctor came in and offered to ease my pain, but had to use another drug that I would get addicted too just so they can use another drug to curve my new addiction. Now do you understand why this is so confusing? Even Heather and Mike was confused on how that made any sense at all. I started crying to show I want pleased and I think that they both understood my cry, they declined the Doctor's offer, and asked when was I going to be released. The Doctor tried to explain to them the importance of this new drug and how it will help me sleep better at night. Mike stood up,

"You're not getting her addicted to anything else, she's been through enough already."

"We can always get a court order, since she's under the State." The Doctor said.

"You can try! We'll have our attorneys tie up this hospital for the next decade for trying to force an unethical practice on us. Should I make that phone call now?" Mike said sternly, awaiting an answer.

"No Sir, I just wanted to make everyone's life a little easier. I'll have the nurse bring you the release forms." The Doctor said before he walked out of the room.

"The nerve of that guy, I can't believe this is how they're willing to treat her because she's in the system. You need to talk to her mom so she can get placed in a decent rehab so we can get this over with." Heather said to Mike.

"We'll have this conversation later, not in front of Emily. I will say, it's easier said than done. She has to want it for herself." Mike replied, kissing Heather on the forehead.

Heather picked me up and started to sing me a song about monkeys jumping on a bed. I don't know where she was going with this song but the faces she made, made me giggle. Heather started laughing and called for Mike.

"Sweetheart, come here. She just laughed."

Mike ran into the room where my crib was and told her to do it again. Heather started singing, I laughed at the right time, and they smiled but was also crying. I don't understand the reason for their tears, then it happens again. My eyes started to roll when I heard Mike calling for a Doctor, but before I knew it, all I saw was black; darkness.

Part 11

Part 11

Jessica didn't come in when she got home, she got into her car, and left. Heather and I went in, she took off my clothes, and gave me a bath. She started telling me a story about how great my mom is and how she loves me so much. It's nice of her to say those things but I didn't see the love today, and I surely didn't feel it. After my bath we went through our normal routine of a full body rub down, I ate, and she sung me to sleep. This time she didn't hold onto me the entire time, she put me in my crib, I looked at her, and gave a smile before I went back to sleep.

I'm not sure how long I was sleep but I know when I woke up Mike was home from work, but I couldn't hear the other kids. I started to cry to alert them I was awake, Mike came in to change me, then took me downstairs to the living room where Heather was sitting watching TV. When she saw me in Mike's arms she smiled and came to get me. We laid on the floor for tummy time while Mike was making my bottle. Heather had these funny looking toys and I was trying to grab them but I couldn't control my movements again, and I know what follows after. Heather jumped up, put me in the sofa and started to rub me, but this time it wasn't going to help. My body started to hurt so bad, Heather yelled out for Mike,

"She's really tight, her body feels like a rock, and she's drenched in sweat. Call the Doctor, let him know it's getting worse."

I'm crying at the top of my lungs because it feels like the inside of me is going to explode. I couldn't move anything, not even my head, it's like I was frozen solid in this position, but the pain alone was making me dizzy. I started to vomit the food I had left in my stomach from before my nap. Mike yelled out that he's going to start the car and to get me dressed, we're heading to the hospital. They bundled and strapped me up again, while Mike was driving Heather was keeping watch. Out of the blue my eyes started to roll and body started to shake, but worse than it ever did. I don't remember the rest, I guess I fell asleep at some point, I'm not really sure.

When I opened my eyes I was connected to all types of cords and wires. Mike and Heather were both there sitting next to my crib. They look like they've been crying then Mike called for a Doctor saying I was awake. I took a good look at them and they were in different clothes but looked extremely tired, like they've been up all night. The Doctor came over to check me but talking to them.

"She looks fine, all of the scans came back okay, it's safe to say she had a seizure but I can't say she won't have another one before her first year is over. We want to keep her under observation for a few more days. Before you take her home we'll give you something in case she has another seizure. As soon as she start to seize you want to administer the application as soon as possible. If she has too many, it can cause brain damage since she's so young."

Wait, was he talking about me? Brain damage if I have too many? How do I stop them? The Doctor started to walk out but I have questions I want answers too, but I don't have the ability to ask; this is so frustrating. I started to cry, I want to go home now, things make sense when I'm home.

Part 10

Part 10

I get to see my mom tomorrow and I'm hoping she's better than the last time I saw her; if she's better, maybe I get to go home with her. I love Mike, Heather, and all of the other kids but, who's going to take care of my mom if I'm not there; she can't take care of herself. If I were there she may make better decisions, maybe we can go through this withdraw thing together. I guess we'll see how today goes before we jump to any conclusions.

Heather picks me out a pretty outfit for my visit, and packs everything I'll need, plus she added a few things for my mom to snack on. Heather and Mike took some pictures of me the other day since I turned a month old, they had them printed out with a pretty boarder, one for their photo album and one for my mom. That's  really nice of them, I hope my mom likes it.

The next morning Mike got me washed up and ready for my visit, he took a picture with his phone, and showed it to me. I think I look very pretty, a pair of colorful tights, a fluffy dress, and a pretty butterfly bow on my head. I didn't sleep well last night, another night of pain and the shakes, but I'll take a nap when they put me in the car, that way I'll be wide awake to play with my mom. Mike gave me a kiss and told me to smile a lot for mommy, then left out for work. Heather was running around making sure she didn't forget anything, while Jessica was focused on feeding me.

Bundled up, strapped in my car seat, and ready to get on the road. It took me all but a few stops before I drifted off to sleep. I could still hear Heather and Jessica talking, even though they were talking low; Heather said she hopes that my mom likes the picture and she was worried because she doesn't want my mom to think they were trying to outdo her. They want to make sure she can have memories of me when I was still a baby baby. Then all of the talking faded out, because I went into a deeper sleep, I was exhausted from the last night.

Heather woke me up because we were finally here, she took me out of my seat, and put a blanket over my face to keep me from getting cold. When we got inside I heard people talking but I wasn't sure what voice belonged to my mom. Heather uncovered my face and this woman was standing there reaching for me, it wasn't until she got closer for me to know who she was. The smell reminds me of a dark place, a place I never wanted to be in again. She didn't smile, she just looked at me; then Heather tried to break the ice by handing her my picture. I knew she would smile then, but she didn't, she placed it face down, didn't say thank you, or even acknowledge Heather was standing there. Not knowing what to do or say, Heather walked out of the room, I could feel that she was upset and that made me upset.

When Heather and Jessica left the building, my mom took off my snowsuit, took some pictures of me with her phone, then made a phone call. We didn't get a chance to spend any time together, she was on her phone talking to someone, she didn't even look in the bag for the snacks that Heather packed for us. When the man came by to tell my mom her visit was over is when she hung up and tried to feed me. The man seemed agitated and told my mom that her visit was over, that she should've thought about feeding, changing, and playing with me instead of being in the phone. She started to yell and scream at him, but he didn't engage in her verbal abuse. I'm not taking his side but he's right, she should've paid me more attention; she hasn't seen me in a little over a month.

Heather and Jessica came back into the building and sat down in the waiting room until my mom brought me out. She had my pacifier in her mouth, took it out, and stuck it in mine. I could taste the smoke from the dipper she must've had before she came. I tried to spit it out but she held it there, so I couldn't. I don't think she knows that all she's doing if feeding me that drug by way of my pacifier or maybe she doesn't care. Walking towards Heather and Jessica, without saying a word my mom dropped me in Heather's lap and walked out. No good bye, not even a hug. 

Part 9

Part 9

Everything was so confusing to me, I didn't understand if I was staying here with them or going back into that crazy house with my mom. Later that night my body started to hurt and all I can do is cry, as much as I want to tell them what's wrong I can't, but they did everything to try to help me. Heather rubbed me and stretched my limbs, that only helped a little, then she put me in the bath with warm water and continued to rub me. After so long I was so warn out by the stiffness and crying I fell asleep in her arms, right in the water.

Sweating, shaking, my body is hurting more and more, they're doing their best to help me but everything the do is temporary. I hope I don't live the rest of my life like this. There's times I can't control my movements but not once did either of them get frustrated with me; both of them feel my pain, I can see it in their eyes, and I can hear it in their crying. From time to time they show me pictures of my mom, the one that was selfish enough to drug me while drugging herself. I keep the entire house up every night that I'm here, loud screeching cries for help, for peace within me. I heard Heather say that the drugs are now seeping from my pores and they want to help me sweat more to see if that'll help with my withdraw. My eyes started to shake and I can’t focus on one thing, so I cried, and cried, and cried myself to sleep.

I was awaken by the stiffness in my body, Heather's sitting in the chair sleep while Mike and their kids slept on the floor right next to my crib. They love me, and I love them. I cried out for help, the oldest of their children got up and left out, Heather got up to change me, while everyone else went into prayer just for me. I wish I could shake this withdraw so they can play with me, instead of being too tired to go to work the next day.   After I go through my spurts of shaking and crying, I eat, get changed then I fall asleep wherever I land. It's tiring to say the least.

A few weeks go pass, I'm still having symptoms of withdraw that I can't seem to shake. Both Heather and Mike went back to work, so now I have a babysitter that's also a withdraw counselor. She teaches everything she does worth me during the day to everyone in the house that handles me; Heather and Mike are going to be doing the same exercises at night or when I go through. Jessica's really nice to me but there's times she gets frustrated with my cries, one day she left me in my crib and left out for a while; when she came back, she always have a big smile on her face, and starts the session all over again.

It's been almost a month since I saw my mom, then I hear Mike's phone ring. He was on the phone long enough for me to finish a bottle; when he got off he told Heather that she confirmed her visit with me on Tuesday. Heather's going to take off of work to go with Jessica and I to the visit. They don't have to stay since it's at the agency but Mike said the visit is only for an hour.

Part 8

Part 8

Mike took my clothes and told her that he would wash, then soak them in vinegar to see if he can get the smell out. He asked her if it was on my skin, Heather bent down to smell me but tickled me with her long curly hair. I could feel drops of water while she was smelling my arms, hair, and stomach. I don’t want them to be sad, I want them to be happy, and their faces be free of tears.

“It’s all over her, I’m going to give her a bath to get the smell off.” Heather said leaving me on the bed.

She puts her arms around Mike and they both started to cry, so I joined them. I didn’t know what else to do but when they stopped hugging they both turned to me with a smile. We went into the bathroom and she laid me in this small tub inside the big one that they use. While she was washing me she started to sing, her voice wasn’t perfect, but she was to me. I was all clean, smelling great, and ready to eat. Mike came back with a set of clothes different than the ones I came in and a bottle. Mike took me from Heather, walked across the hall, and placed me on this long soft table. He got me dressed then sat in a chair and started humming while feeding me. I don’t know what’s different about this bottle but I was in heaven. He rubbed my back, I let out some air, and cradled me until I fell asleep.

They were looking at me every time I woke up, with a bottle in hand, these are my kind of people. I would get changed, eat, played with, and back to sleep; they were tiring me out. I could feel them watching me in my sleep but I was so comfortable I couldn’t open my eyes to look. At some point Heather wakes me up to change me and give me another bottle without me having to cry for it. She calls Mike in along with their kids, they circled around my crib and prayed for me, they were saying that we have a long road ahead of us but if God is willing and able, so are they. I felt bad because I couldn’t keep my eye open for the rest, I was still sleepy.

They next day a woman came over and was talking to Mike and Heather about me staying with them until my mom is able to get the help she needs. The lady was really nice, she even held me and told them that I was a precious little angel; and expressed grateful she is that they opened up their home to me. She gave them an action plan for reunification, which basically means the State will do everything in their power to give my mom all the resources needed in order to get me back. I wonder when I go back to my mom, how much would I see Mike and Heather; maybe not every day but that’s okay, I know they’ll come visit me. Anyway, the lady gave Mike and Heather a court date which is 90 days away from today, she said we don’t have to be there but she'll make sure they get the court minutes within 30 days after the court date.

Part 7

Part 7

We went through another four feedings but nothing changed much, she fed me, smoked, and not that long after pass out. Most of the night I found myself crying, not because I was hungry but because I was uncomfortable. I heard the man that was with my mom say, that he was going to run out and grab more dipper fluid. When he came back he had a jar filled with clear liquid. They dipped a cigarette each in the fluid, waited for a few then started to smoke. There was so much smoke in this room that I started to choke, I couldn’t catch my breath; the smoke was so thick that I couldn’t see my mom anymore. That could be because I was breathing in the same thing they were, and I guess they have a different side effect because they're much bigger than I am. I was in a dark place, I couldn’t move, I was in and out of sleep, and eating was now a pastime. I’ve only been out the hospital for one day, and I think I’ve been in contact with more drugs than the law allows; even for an adult.

I was up for the rest of the night, everyone was still sleeping, and I’ve been crying for a long time now. Long enough that my throat hurts and the bed I’m lying on is wet; I had an accident in my diaper and needed it changed, but no one came to help me. I heard chirping coming from outside, the sound were so beautiful that I stopped crying, and went to back to sleep; dirty diaper and hungry. It was very quiet for a long time, then something happened and jolted me out of my sleep. There was yelling and stuff was flying over my crib, I didn’t know what was going on and didn’t feel safe, I wanted Mike back.

I was yelled at because I started crying while they were yelling, I don’t know what they were yelling about but whatever it was made my mom mad. The guy left closing the door really hard behind him, so hard that the force knocked a picture off of the wall. Silence came to visit again, then I heard my mom’s voice, she was talking to someone saying that she needed a break and wanted someone to come and pick me up. It seemed like within minutes Mike and Heather were there to get me. They made sure I was wrapped tightly before putting me in the car seat, they smiled, and Heather sat with me while Mike drove. It was like an adventure, there were all types of things outside, I couldn't see because of the sun, but I could hear everything. 

The car started to slow down then came to a halt in front of a house, Heather carried me but I couldn’t see anything still because my face was wrapped up; it’s cold outside. I could hear the door open, I was so excited to see where they lived and their other babies. I was laid down on the sofa and carefully unwrapped; when they uncovered my head, I saw a lot of faces, but in those faces were Heather and Mike. Even their children look like little Heathers and little Mikes, it was funny so I gave them a smile. Heather took me upstairs and started to run water in the tub, she undressed me completely, smiling at me the entire time. Mike walks in,

“What's that smell?” Mike said.

“It’s in her clothes Mike, they must’ve been smoking around her.” Heather said as tears rolled down her face.

Part 6

Part 6

The next day, I didn’t see my Mike or Heather, and I knew something just wasn't right. The Doctor said I was supposed to go home with them, even the lady that came after I went to sleep said I had to go with them. I heard her say it, I was sleep but I still heard her. Instead, I was wrapped up tightly before we left the hospital and placed in a seat. Maybe they were taking me to Mike and Heather's house; so instead of showing my dismay, I sat strapped up to this chair, silently.

When we got to our destination I could smell all kinds of stuff that I had no clue what it was, the smell wasn't pleasant, but I was too tired to look around to see if Mike and Heather was here. I woke up to eat and I could smell that same smoke that I smelled when I was in her stomach, I could smell it on her hands, and a little got on my pacifier. The taste was horrendous, but there's nothing I could do about it, I closed my eyes hoping the next time I open them I would see Mike.

After another feeding, someone else other than my mom was there to pat me on my back to get the air out. I looked over and my mom was sleeping, so I went back to sleep too. I woke up again but this time everyone was sleeping, I laid there for a little to see if anyone would wake up to feed me, but nothing. I hate to stoop to this level but, I’m hungry. I let out the loudest cry I could but my mom still didn’t wake up. So I did it again and again and again, finally her eyes popped open and she staggered to get me a bottle. This feeding was by far the worst, she kept falling asleep, and I couldn't get to the bottle,  and my hands were too weak to hold it myself. I was still hungry so I cried and cried and cried until that guy that patted my back the first time woke up. He told my mom to call my godfather, I got so excited that I cried; okay, I didn't cry out of excitement, I was still hungry, I had to do what I had to do.

I woke up for another feeding but this time I was able to see the things my mom did. She sat in a chair, with her face close to the table, and breathing in white lines. She put her head back, then it was the guy's turn. I looked back at my mom and she was sliding off the side of the chair, I figured if I started crying she would wake up, but she didn't; neither of them heard my cry. Where's Mike and Heather?

Part 5

Part 5

I went towards the light, I could see it a little more, and it started to become brighter, but I was too tired to keep trying. I think I'll give up and take a nap, I need sleep right now. Curling up in a ball, I fall into a sleep but it didn't last long. I don't know what it was, but something started poking me on the top of my head. I moved back a little and noticed the hole has gotten bigger. This is my chance before it starts to close again, I wanted out and this is my opportunity. It didn't matter how sleepy and tired I am, I need to get out of here before Mike goes away.

I can hear him talking, making jokes, and he doesn't seem angry. Although he’s here, it doesn’t make a difference because my head’s still too big for this hole. I pushed, pushed, and kept pushing but still no signs of exiting right now. A day goes by, no smoke but I noticed that the hole is opening up more and more, so I keep pushing my head against it, but nothing happens. I wish I could ask Mike and Heather for help, but being inside here, there's no way to show them that I needed help. I hope they stay long enough to see me when I get out of here, I can't wait to seem them.

Day two, still no smoke but there’s something else that's making me feel woozy, whatever it is it's  draining me. I want out of here, I need out of here, I push and kick, push and kick. I’ve pushed and kicked so much and for so long that I tired myself out. Then I hear Heather, not too long after I heard Mike, I started again; I push and kick and push some more, finally I can fit my head through. There’s this brightness that burns my eyes, and its cold outside of that pouch, but going back in is not an option; not for me anyway.

There are people everywhere, smiling and grabbing for me, sticking and slapping me. This woman lays me on this cold flat surface and Mike's voice was so close this time, I opened my eyes just so I could see his face. He's not my dad but he's the one that cared for me, before there was a “me”. I want to thank my mom for giving me Mike and Heather, I can feel the love they have for me. I was wiped off, wrapped up, and passed around; but the ones I wanted to be held by didn't hold me, I hope they're not mad at me for coming.

The next day, there were people coming and going, even Heather and Mike. Today, they held me, both of them; I wanted them not to leave me later, but they were there all day, and I'm sure they need sleep too. I gave them my first smile, just like Mike was the first person I opened my eyes for. I can't sleep in here, my mom only pays me attention when someone is in here with us, otherwise she's doing everything else or talking to someone. I can't wait until tomorrow, the Doctor just told my mom that I can go home with Mike and Heather in the afternoon.

Part 4

Part 4

No matter how much I pushed the hole just wasn't big enough, I had to wait on Mike to come, maybe he'll know what to do. A few more days passed then I heard his voice, Mike was back. I was so happy but this time he didn't seem as nice, he wasn't making jokes, he appears to be angry. I guess while I was asleep, my mom called him, and told him the truth. I could hear two voices other than my mom's, the other voice was real light, soft, soothing to my ears. Mike called the other person Heather; she was the one doing all of the talking, Mike was doing all of the yelling, but everything they were saying was true. She could've caused me to lose a fair chance in the World, that I was going to be born addicted to drugs, and how that wasn't fair to me. Mike and Heather told my mom to stop everything now, that I have a few weeks left before I'm due, and that I may make it out okay; only if she stopped now will they know for sure.

Heather asked when was the last time she did any drug, my mom lied and said a month ago, and that she believes child services was going to get involved. She asked Mike again about being my godfather and asked if child services did get involved would they be willing to take me. Without hesitation, they both said yes. I tugged on my cord, not because I wanted anything but because I was so happy that I have a godfather. I'm still not sure what that means but if Mike and Heather is involved, it has to be a good thing. Still no laughter but there was food and lots of it. I was stuffed, so stuffed I didn't care what else was going on, I was ready to go to sleep.

From that day forward, Mike made his way to see us and he would say hello to me and rub my mom's stomach; I would put my hand there and push so he could feel me. Mike couldn't stay all day so whenever he wasn't around, my mom made sure she played catch up for the time lost, by smoking throughout the night. We get a little sleep, then back to smoking until right before Mike comes. She would get in the shower everyday since he was coming, I guess to get the smell off of her. Everyday Mike would ask the same questions as before, but he got all the same lies. He told her that him and his wife are willing to take care of me while she goes to rehab and get her own place. My mom agreed but said she's not going to rehab because all they do there is drugs. Mike didn't say anything, he just laughed, and told her that as long as they have me, she’s welcome in their home, but she has to be sober. Before he left today, he told my mom that if anything’s wrong with me, she’s going to have to live with her choices, but they're going to love me no matter what; they'll love me just like they love their four children. There was nothing else said and the next thing I heard was the man that came before; the one that said he has everything my mom needs. When my mom told him that she picked Mike to be my godfather, the man told her he didn't care, he only slept with her because she was her get high buddy.

All night, all day, filled with smoke, and I’m ready to evacuate this pouch, I can’t take it anymore. I turn upside down again, so my head is towards the opening and I kick, but my head still won’t fit. I keep trying to squeeze myself in this hole but the hole isn't large enough. I kept pushing, resting, pushing, resting, pushing, then I heard Mike's voice. He's back to come get me, so I keep at it, I don't want to stop until I'm out of here. It's tight and I don't think I'll make it out of here with all that smoke.

I looked at the hole and couldn't understand why it's so small, but I kept pushing trying to open it up more. The last time I pushed I could feel something against my head, then the person said that my mom was getting close to giving birth. They asked if she wanted a pain killer, they told her to press the button, but it will only release once every thirty minutes. She sat up and must've been bending because I couldn't move at all. After a little time, everything was moving slowly, my hands were different colors, and I saw a light in that opening but I wasn't sure if it's real.

Part 3

Part 3

My mom wasn’t talking to them at first, they were just going off of my movements. I wanted out, and if they can get me out, I need to make sure they know that I’m in here. I moved as close to the lining of my boarders as I could, pushing and kicking; all that I can do to be noticed but all of my efforts went on blind eyes. A few minutes later they must’ve given her milk, wanted for a little, and asked her to take a drug test. Before I could finish my milk she started running; I was bouncing around, it was fun at first, but then it was too much for me because my milk didn’t settle in my cord yet. As soon as she stopped running, she lit whatever she had before and started smoking all over again. I started to kick as hard as I could so hopefully she would get the hint, but the kicking didn’t last long, I was out within minutes.

We haven’t’ seen a doctor in a long time, I don’t know how old I am, and when she doesn’t smoke now my body hurts ten times more and it feels like something is crawling all over me. So now, I hope she does smoke, to keep the pain away. Although she has been eating a little more because that man Mike has been calling and coming to see her more often, it's just not enough. He hasn’t agreed to be my godfather, but at least he cares enough to help me. For the most part we eat fruit, no vegetables; Mike said that vegetables are needed for the nutrients, but mom doesn’t listen, all I care about is eating, and the smoke that loosens my body. I just hope Mike stays around, the more she eats, the less money she’ll have to smoke all day.

A new day and a early rise, I was still sleepy so I slept a little while longer than mom. She must've gotten into the shower because she was warm, rubbing me, and singing. Although her singing is horrible, it was nice to hear her voice as she rubbed her stomach. I stretched as far as I could because it's getting tight in here. We ate peanut butter and bread, then some bananas and honey; that was great, the best I've had in a long time. My body started to hurt and I knew what that meant. I tugged on my cord but before I could tug a second time, there was smoke, then pills. It wasn't the smoke that made my body feel better, it was the one that made my heart race when she mixes the pills with it. I heard her say the coc was weak and she needed more, I knew that today wasn't going to be a good one despite the morning breakfast.

It seem like days went pass, I haven't slept because the coc and pills are making me jumpy. I don't think I'm going to make it another day, I need to get out of here. I was hoping that Mike would come around, hoping he wouldn't forget about me. More coc, more pills, more dippers, more cigarettes, less food, less sleep, less space for me to move. Where's that nice man? I don't want to be in here any longer, I flipped myself around and started to push my head against that hole in the bottom of my mom's stomach; but it's too small for me to fit. How will I get out?

Part 2

Part 2

I can’t say for sure what else took place yesterday, after the pills, whatever that harsh liquid was, and the smoke; I was down for the count. This day is starting off different and I like it; I was given eggs and watermelon, then there was that minty smoke I was telling you about before, the cigarette. Out of nowhere I could hear my mom talking to someone but couldn’t hear them, then there was a raspy voice asking all types of questions. Are you still smoking PCP? Are you still smoking cigarettes? You’re not taking pills or doing coc, right? Are you making your doctor appointments and taking your prenatal pills? For every question that person asked, my mom had a lie for every one of them. The person that's asking all of these questions doesn’t know what’s going on in here; they can’t save me even though they sound like they genuinely care. They talk and laughed for a long time, I even had some really good food, no cigarettes or anything else; maybe this person can save me. My mom asked this person to be my godfather; I don’t know what that is, but if it means they’ll be around more often, I’m be fine with that. I know if this person is around I’ll eat, and there will be less smoke, pills, and harsh liquids. I hope they say yes.

The rest of our day was filled with laughter and food; I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now. My mom yells out for Mike, I guess that’s his name; and told him to think about being the godfather. I couldn’t hear his answer but I was okay with that, at least he’s going to think about it. After our adventure and all of that food, I was ready to go to sleep. No sooner than my mom sat down, I had the taste of cigarette smoke, it wasn’t much; maybe a few little smoke stacks, and that was it. I could hear soft music playing, my mom must’ve been laying on her back because I was so comfortable, then there was a hard knock at the door. She jumped up to answer and this man came in telling her that he has all that she wants. He said he bought her coc, perks, oxytocin, Vodka and dippers. I was hoping she would turn it away since we had such a great day, but she didn’t, she just couldn’t say no; not even for me.

Time goes by, more smoke, more pills, and more of those harsh liquids. None of this stuff that’s given to me through my mom is good for me, I can feel it. There’s times I can’t even lift my limbs to move, I lay there, sometimes I’m awake but because all of the smoke I can’t do anything; not even eat. Most of the times that I pulled my cord, nothing came down; there were times she would send fruit, then other times a bunch of different foods was coming down at one time it seemed like. Then not too long after there was smoke, but this smoke was different; it wasn’t the cigarette smoke, or the other smoke that zones me out, this one was different, it gave me energy. My heart started to race, then pills came down; it was too much for me to handle. I didn’t know what to do and I’m trapped in here with no way out, I wanted Mike to show up, he’ll know what to do; he’ll get me out of here. Suddenly, the side of my mom’s stomach was hard and cold. I don’t know what’s going on and can’t pull at my cord to see if she’s okay; it feels like she’s laying down but I can’t be sure so I just laid there with her hoping someone would help us. I don’t know how long her stomach has been hard but I can hear sirens and they’re getting louder, maybe just maybe their coming to help. The sirens are really loud now and the side of my mom’s stomach isn’t hard anymore, so I move to that side to warm her up as much as I can.

“Ma’am, are you pregnant? Ma’am can you hear me?”

Part 1

Part 1

Smoke fills me up at least four times a day. I don’t have a name yet, I haven’t even been born, but I want to share my story in case I don’t make it. I want to tell the unheard of story that some of us go through, not all; but enough to make an impact, and show that using drugs can be detrimental to a growing baby inside of a mother's womb.

As of today, this is the first time I've been able to feel the pain and sadness; hear things that's going on or conversations around me. Today was a Doctor's visit day, my mom was talking to someone and in between every sentence she spoke, there was smoke coming in to greet me for breakfast. I'm happy she started early because my body has been aching and it feels like something is crawling on me. When she smokes early, I don't go through the pain from not having it; but I also know, it's going to be a low food day. Neither of us get too hungry when she starts early, we only eat a lot when she's taking pills, drinking that harsh liquid, or doing that other stuff.

The smoke seems to hit me all at once, maybe because she was doing a little at a time. Once she was done, I ball up, and go into a deep sleep for the duration of our journey. She normally doesn't interact with me when she's alone, so sleeping is something I can do without help.

Out of the blue, there's something cold on my mom's stomach that jolts me out of my sleep, then I heard the Doctor speaking. At first it wasn't clear, I couldn't make heads or tails of what she was saying, but I did hear her telling my mom that the drug use has to stop, if she's serious about having a healthy baby. She stated that I was around twenty-three weeks old and my due date is still for January 22nd. My mom denied everything as she normally does, when they requested for her to do a drug test she starting yelling and walking fast; I'm assuming she was leaving before the visit was completely over.

When we left the Doctor's office I could hear my mom talking almost immediately, saying how hungry she is and needed something to eat, but I wasn't hungry; maybe her hunger is different than mine since I'm older now. She told the person, she just needs the money, and a few pills to get her by until she gets paid. At first the conversation was quiet and nice; then I heard yelling and screaming, her demanding the pills over the cash. Telling the person that they weren't worth anything and she should've known not to get pregnant by a dealer. I'm not sure what that means, I was hoping there wouldn't be anymore smoke for the day, I was too tired to cope with this morning's dose.

Hours has gone pass and all she seemed to be doing was walking. I'm hungry, and started pulling at my umbilical cord for food, but nothing comes. She slowed down for a few, I could hear a lot of talking by different people, they were touching my mom's stomach; pushing a little to find me, but I kept moving because I was hungry, and didn't want to be bothered. A few minutes into them all talking at the same time, I gave another tug on my umbilical cord, this time something came, but it wasn't food.

First, there's a harsh liquid, followed by little grainy particles, the pills that make me feel sleepy. The hunger was still there but I couldn't stay awake long enough to pull on my cord again. Then there was smoke, and lots of it; I felt like I was in a dark place, darker than being inside someone. A place that's sad to begin with, a place where I didn't want to be, but it made me feel good, but alone. I was trying to breath but my cord was filled with smoke that smelled different than the one that taste minty. I remembered my mom asking someone for a cigarette; then there was a minty smoke that came down. Cigarettes, I like those better than this stuff that causes me to sleep all day, my skin itch, and body ache the next day.

Introduction

Introduction

My name is Emily S. Rowe and this is my story. You find out the truth of your childhood after you come of age, well that's what I've gathered. Adults always feel that the best thing for you is to tell you a lie, but never take into consideration that after all those years of lies, the truth becomes more damaging. I would like to take you back to the first time I remembered feeling something, this is how it all started, how I felt, and the fear that consumed me.

Part 63

Part 63

“It took you forever in there.”

I turned around and there stood Elijah with a smile. I dropped everything, jump into his arms, grabbed his face, and started kissing him slowly. Surprising to me, his kiss was on point today. In the back of my mind I was thinking, maybe he didn’t call or answer me because he was practicing with someone else. I got jealous and started to pull back, looking at him, eye to eye. I've never been jealous, even when Leo slept with someone before I knew it was his wife, I was more curious. I felt hurt but this feeling is something I never felt before.

“I love you Aaliyah.”

"I love you too Elijah."

"I'm lucky to know you love me but if I had to gauge by your reaction I'd be confused."

"Yeah, I know. I need you to put me down please."

"If it was about last night, I can explain."

"Let me ask you a question first please. Have you kissed anyone since last night? I ask because your kissing is sufficiently better. All I ask is that you don't lie to me."

"No, I haven't looked at anyone since I first laid my eyes on you. Can I explain about last night now?"

"There's no need, what I needed to know you answered, and I'm satisfied with that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes my love, I am?"

"Can I give you your gift now?"

"Yes, thank you."

Elijah pulled out a little box, about the size of a half a deck of cards. It was all black with a red ribbon.

"Can I open it now?"

"Yes, when we get in the car."

He picks up my bag and escorts me to the car, opening my door for me. I was so anxious to see what was inside and he was taking his time getting in the car. My insides were jumping and I wanted to scream for him to hurry up. Elijah opened his door, sat down, then got out again. This man is driving me crazy with his mess today, he's teasing me but two can play at that game. He gets back in the car with another box, this one a lot bigger than the last, all black with a red ribbon. He sits it on the dashboard and goes to get out again.

Grabbing his arm, "I know what you're doing,  you’re not slick."

Elijah starts laughing and say, "No for real, I forgot something."

Back out the car he goes. Another five minutes pass before he gets back in with another box. This one is the size of a ring box, all black with a lavender ribbon. He looks over and tells me I could only pick one. It didn't take me long because I wanted to get into this box for the last twenty-five minutes or so.

"I would like to open the one you were going to give me last night."

"That's the one in your hand, but hold on, let me put this stuff back."

Smiling at him while biting my bottom right lip, "take your time baby."

"I'm playing, go ahead and open it."

"Really?"

Elijah shakes his head yes and watches me like a hawk. Smiling the entire time, I try to fight back the tears. I took off the ribbon and thought about it.

"I'm sorry, I can accept this. I appreciate you thinking of me but, I don't need anything. I already have the best gift, you."

"I got it for you because I wanted too, because you deserve the best. Please open it, for me."

Kissing him passionately, I pull myself back to my seat to open the box. Lifting off the lid, there's one shiny key and another which is a car key of some sort. I look at the key and on the side was engraved, Ranger Rover.

"Oh my goodness Elijah, I can't accept this. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but this vehicle is expensive."

"You will accept it. Now let's go find out what that other key fits."

"I hope it's to your place."

"No, you haven't earned that yet." He looks out the side of his eye smiling at me.

Part 62

Part 62

First thing in the morning, I got up and checked my phone, nothing from Elijah. I felt because I was the one that screwed up, maybe I should be the one to call him. After I showered and got dressed, I sat at the dining room table to call him. The phone went straight to voicemail, no ring, nothing, leave your message at the beep. Sitting at the table, a calm feeling came across me, I gathered my things, and out the door I went. First stop, motor vehicles. I made sure I had everything I needed to take the test; I also rented one of the vehicles that's at the location, and guess what; I passed! It was like stealing candy from a baby. Next stop, the testing center for my GED. I was still focused and ready; I knew I was going to pass without a problem. I got into the center, I took my seat, and was waiting for the test to start. I pulled out the newest book I was reading by Leo Tolstoy, it was such an interesting read. He has to be one of the greatest Russian authors of all time. I could be wrong, I haven’t read every book from authors from Russia, but he's by far my favorite author. Something told me to look up, when I did I made perfect eye contact with Leo. Immediately I put my nose back into the book, the last thing I wanted to do was to strike up a conversation with him. Hell, deep down inside I pitied him. I felt sorry for him because he had to go through those lengths to hurt me, all the while wanting to keep me. In no time, the test started. Not once did I look his way or think about either him or Elijah, this was for me, for my future. I was the first one done, handed in my test sheet, and was told to sit out in the waiting room for my grade.

Once again, I took a seat and pulled out my book. A few more chapters in and the door to the testing room opened, I never looked up but I did acknowledge that someone else was in the waiting room with me, I just didn’t care enough to see who. Then the door opened again, and again, and again. The last time it opened I heard someone call my name.

“Aaliyah Petty?”

I raised my head, “Yes ma’am.”

“I have your scores if you would like to see them.”

I couldn’t pack up fast enough, I rushed over to her, dropping my bag, tripping over my feet, I just needed to know how high the score was.

“99%, you passed. Congratulations!”

“99%? That has to be wrong, I thank you for the opportunity; but getting a perfect grade is what I studied for. Is there someone that can recheck that?”

“Sure, it’s going to take a more time because we have to put it at the bottom of the pile.”

“That’s fine, I have books to read. There’s no rush.”

I sat back down and waited. I almost finished my book until I heard Leo’s voice.

“My sweet Queen.”

“Leo please, I have nothing to say to you. Let’s not go through this.”

“We don’t need to go through anything, I just wanted to apologize.”

“There’s no need, what’s done is done.”

“Well, not all the time do we get a chance but here’s mind and I would like the opportunity to right my wrong. I won’t go into detail because I don’t want to keep you. I’m so sorry about everything, I held you back, I didn’t treat you like the Queen you are, and I did the worst thing imaginable, used your past against you; to hurt you. So for that and of course other things, I’m sorry. I wish you all the best.” Leo finishes and walks out the door.

About an hour later the woman came back out with my grades and stated that I was correct, I did get 100% on my test. She congratulated me again and told me that I will receive my diploma in three months. I confirmed that she meant to say certificate, she told me that because I scored perfect grade, I would get a High School diploma from the local High School. It took everything in me not to hug this woman, instead I thanked her for her time, and the opportunity. I packed up everything and with my head held high, a big smile on my face, I walked out of the building feeling satisfied.

Part 61

Part 61

I walked over to him, slowly, waiting for him to do something funny like he always does. He sat down on the sofa, reached out his hand to guide me to his lap. This will be the first time I’ve ever sat on his lap but it’s the least I could do. I mean at some point I need to make sure there’s a connection beyond our friendship. I complied, then I had second thoughts. I stood up and when I looked down at him, I knew right then I wanted more. Not because of his inner or outer beauty but because within the time that I’ve known him, he’s made a tremendous impact in my life. It's not because of affection, sex, money, but because he truly wants what’s best for me. He's mended my broken heart and had been a true friend. He may not agree with my need to feel independent but he supports it. I reach down, putting one hand on one side of the sofa right above his shoulder, and did the same on the other side. I stood on the sofa, rubbing myself down his face, his chest, then coming to a comfortable rest around his hip area. Without another word, Elijah cupped my face between both hands, kissing me sporadically. I had no choice but to pull my face away from his, because that shit had to be the sloppiest kiss ever, and a complete turn off.

“Allow me to guide you, because if that shit ever happens again, you'll be in the friend zone for life. Like a double life sentence.”

“I’m sorry, I got overly excited.”

“Yeah, like a dog. Just sit there and follow my lead, please. Help me, help you.”

Elijah looked embarrassed, no eye contact, he even stopped touching me. I had to apologize, I didn’t mean to make him feel bad, I just thought that he was well rounded, and could take a joke. I picked up his one hand, kissing it, and between every kiss there was an apology. I kissed him all the way up is arm, around his neck, and down the other arm until I got to his overly large hands. Still nothing, no response, still no eye contact, it was like he left his body, and exited the room.

“Baby, are you still with me?”

“I need to go. Good luck tomorrow.” Elijah pushed me off of him gently but still pushed.

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m sorry!”

“Unlike you, you have one time to hurt me, and I’m done.”

“So, you’re done with me? For picking with you?”

“Good-bye Aaliyah.” Elijah grabs his briefcase and walks out, slamming the door behind him.

You have to be fucking kidding me, I’m sitting there on the sofa stunned. Who gets mad over something like that, if you can’t kiss you can’t kiss. The fact he can’t kiss was one thing, but he can’t take a joke either. I sat there for a few minutes, shaking my head. How can you be that strong but walk away that easy? I got up to cover the food, I just wasn’t hungry anymore. I’m a little hurt but more disappointed that he walked away and didn't want to talk it out; just when I thought it was time to move to the next level. I guess everything happens for a reason. I went around the apartment slowly, blowing out the candles, and opening the windows to let the night breeze come in, plus I needed to rid these bad vibes. I have too much riding on tomorrow to get distracted now.

Part 60

Part 60

It's been two months since that horrible night and I still cringe with the thought of what Leo did, it’s not like I lost Elijah, he’s been a great friend to me. Things are looking up, we have a great connection; but best of all, our friendship is the greatest. I have the ability to be myself, I’m not pressured to be strong at all times, or be the thinker when or if things go wrong. This man is the real deal, he opens doors, pulls out my seat, he hates when I get out the car before he gets a chance to open the door for me; but I’m getting better. It’s going to take time for me to fully let down my guard but he’s patient and to me, that’s the most gorgeous characteristic he has. He’s a beautiful man, inside and out.

Lately, we’ve spent every free moment together; we’ve been to a few museums, aquariums, and cooking classes. There’s times we stay up all night laughing and talking about any and everything, nothing with him is off limits. He shares his feelings, but not too much. He doesn't tell me he cares for me, he shows it. He's every woman's dream.

Let me take you back just a tad as to why I'm still in Georgia. One day that Elijah had off, we stayed up the entire night talking; sharing our goals and all. He offered me a nice place to stay, while I worked on my GED, and is willing to teach me how to drive. It's not what you think, Elijah has been a business man since his early teens. He now owns two very elegant apartment buildings and three electronic stores. I agreed to stay, only if I paid my own way, I didn't need him paying for me when I have money of my own. I explained that I'm not trying to be dominate, but if whatever we have is going to work, we both need to bring something to the table. As much as he didn’t like it, he agreed. We live a little more than an hour away from one another, which was my choice. It was either living five minutes away or an hour, five minutes didn’t give me the independence that I needed to have right now, and Elijah didn’t take that lightly. I had to compromise with allowing him to stay three times a week in the spare bedroom, I agreed of course, I like him being around. Plus, to get my GED and driver’s license I needed State issued identification, you can’t get that without an address.

As of today, I’m a month away from my 18th birthday, I take my test tomorrow for both my license and GED. I’m so excited I can’t see straight, all within two months I’m able to knock down two of my many goals. It's funny how people come in our lives with whatever intentions they may have at the beginning, but so far this man has proven to me in this short time what no one else could.

“Hey baby, how was your day?” Elijah said walking into my apartment.

“Great, it was great. I was able to get a lot done and I made you dinner.” I said reaching to take his briefcase.

“Thank you, it smells good. I got you something.”

“I told you already, stop.”

“Aaliyah, I’m not going to stop, so give it up.” Elijah embrace me with a nice tight hug, and a kiss on the neck.

“I told you about that too.”

“Whatever woman, we together. We may not be together in your head, but I have some breaking news for you; we’re an item. When I talk about you, I say my sufficient other. You’re just going to have to deal with it.” Elijah said with a smile.

“If you say so.”

“I do say so, now come here so I can give you this.”

Part 59

Part 59

"Thank you for your kind words but I'm ready to call it a night." I said as I touched Elijah's arm and walked away.

"I'll call you as soon as I get home. I hope you answer." Elijah yelled out right when I turned the corner.

Out of sight but I sure wasn't out of hearing range when I broke down. My body suddenly got limp and I hit the floor, screaming, and crying; cursing everyone from my past. I didn't have the strength to do this in private, it hit me as fast and hard as King’s words. I didn't know Elijah and King knew that, he wanted to make sure I saw for myself that no one would want me, with the attempt to diminish my self confidence. I felt arms around me, trying to lift me up, the first thing that came to mind was to fight King off; because I was sure Elijah already left. With my eyes filled with tears, damn near blinded, I started swinging; yelling at King, letting him know how much I hated him. The arms were holding me tight,  saying something but I couldnt make it out or the voice. Not too long after I blacked out.

I woke up in my hotel bed, fully dressed except my shoes and shawl. I was afraid to look around and come face to face with King. I laid there in silence, praying I was alone but I wasn't.

"Good morning Ms. Aaliyah."

I turned to see Elijah sitting in a chair he pulled up next to the bed. Speechless, I just laid there looking at him.

Finally mustering up the words, "Good morning Mr. Elijah."

I went to sit up so I could talk to him but he told me to lay back and relax.

"I hope you don't mind that I stayed, I was worried about you."

"I appreciate that, thank you but I'm fine."

"Passing out isn't signs of being fine."

"When I'm stressed as I was last night, that's happens. It's something new stemming  from my past live events. I want to explain a few things to you but please don't cut me off as you conveniently do. Everything that King said was.."

Elijah cuts me off, "I'm sorry but if that's not his name, please don't refer to him as a king any longer."

"Agreed! Everything that Leo said is correct. I've been out through some unscrupulous things and most ended in the last year and some change. I never allowed any of it to change my outlook on life. Well, until late night."

"Are you clean? Meaning no drugs and no STDs that medication can't cure?"

"I'm fine, I never did drugs willingly, and I'm STD free."

"So what's the problem?"

"How can I be loved truly by anyone with all of these baggage?"

"Easy, let me show you. We can be friends and see what happens. I didn't know your past when I decided to chase, beg, and grovel. I only saw a beautiful black woman with a smile that any man in his right mind would cherish. I want to be that man, if given the chance to be. No answer is needed, we have a lot to learn about one another, but for now I need to get home to get some rest. By the way, you're gorgeous when you're sleeping as well." Elijah bends over and kisses me on my forehead.

I grabbed his arm and asked if he was willing to stay with me, he could sleep here, and I promised not to bother him. He looked at me with a smile, took off his shoes, and climbed in bed. I asked his permission to lay my head on his chest, he pulled me closer, wrapped his arm around me tightly,

"You never have to ask me to treat you like a Queen."

"Leo called me that."

"He didn't have the right to call you a Queen, but I do. Calling you a Queen is one thing, treating you like a Queen is another. You're dealing with a man, and us men do man things." Kissing me on the forehead again, we drifted off into a deep gratifying sleep.

Part 58

Part 58

We got onto the motorcycle and the vibration alone gave me life. Holding onto him wasn’t going to be a problem, at all. I needed something to hold onto if I can’t calm myself.

“Elijah? Will the vibration stop?”

“No, does it bother you?”

I giggled hoping he wouldn’t hear me.

“Oh, yeah. Maybe we should do something else in the area where we can walk too. If that’s going to happen, I want to be the one that gives it to you, not this damn bike.”

“You’re jealous over a bike?”

“No, but like I said the first time we talked on the phone. I want to get to know you, not just your smile but you. I know, I know, you’re not ready for a relationship right now, I respect that. I don’t like it, but I respect it. So if this bike is pleasing you I'd rather walk. ” Elijah turns the bike off.

"You are jealous that the bike will beat you to your objective."

"No, the bike can only give you a temporary thrill, I can give you something that'll last a lifetime."

"Yeah, right."

"I'm assuming you've heard that before, but understand this; your little boyfriend in there  can't hold a candle to this man out here." He said pointing at himself.

He takes off my helmet, extends his arm for me to latch on. Personally, I'm looking for the temporary thrill, the hell with everything else. He treks me that there's an Italian restaurant a few blocks away but he can always get us a taxi to go to the place he had in mind. I told him whatever he likes. We went back into the hotel and he asked the concierge to call a taxi for us. He escorted me to the opposite sofa that King was sitting on and sat next to me. Elijah made it his mission to get all of my attention and to be honest, he didn't have to try too hard. His hand touching my leg from time to time, he tells me joke after joke. Then asked me about myself.

"Her father raped her, her mother tortured her, she was kidnapped, drugged, forced into prostitution, and no matter what you dark black ass do or say; she'll always love me." King said with hate in his face and voice.

Sitting there embarrassed, I looked at King with a smile. I couldn't say anything because he's not lying, but I sure as hell didn't plan to share any of that. Elijah grabbed my hand as soon as the tears started its own stream.

"A real man wouldn't have done that. Please understand that what happened in your past is just that, in your past. It's only makes a difference if you allow it to make a difference."

"I'm sorry Elijah, I can't." I stood up to walk away.

"You have to eat, please come eat with me."

"I didn't plan on telling you and maybe I'm wrong for that. It's not like.."

Elijah cut me off, "you never have to explain what others did to you to no one. He's a coward and a punk, he can see a real man in front of him and it scares him. He's afraid to lose you, not knowing that as soon as I made you laugh you were already lost, and waiting for the right moment to be loved like you should be. You're already out of love with him, your mind is the only thing holding on. Once you release that, you'll release him."

Part 57

Part 57

“Thank you for giving me a chance to make you smile.” Elijah said in a deep whisper.

You know how you feel when you're about to go on a date, the uncontrollable smile, the butterflies, and anxiety of what may happen? Yeah, I didn’t have that problem. I stepped out of the room, using the hallway mirrors to check myself out, and damn I look good. I stepped on the elevator feeling like a million bucks and stepped off feeling even better. Although I was hoping that King wasn’t in the lobby, there he was, sitting, but not smiling. He looked at a man that was also in jeans, a dress shirt with a bow tie, a pair of dress shoes, and a blazer. I was shocked to say the least. This man was beautiful, like a beautiful man on the front of a magazine type beautiful. Don’t get me wrong King’s hot but this guy, stepped out of someone’s dream.

“You going out with him?” King said walking towards me.

I ignored the hell out of him, I was too focused on this man standing there with flowers, and a big bright smile. I ended up walking pass King to get to the man I was hoping to the Gods was Elijah.

“Hey there, I’m Elijah from the electronic store.” He said walking towards me with a smile.

“Aaliyah.” I reach out my hand and he greeted it with a soft kiss. “Do you like the flowers? I hope you do and I’m hoping you don’t want to keep them because I really don’t want to let you out of my sight until we depart for the night.”

“I do like them but I don’t need to keep them, I don’t have a vase to put them in anyway.”

“Good, I promise to buy you more.” He looks at King, “Here, hold these for me partner.” He hands off the flowers and extends his arm to me.

In my mind I am pleased with his looks. With my heels on, I’m at his shoulders, he has to be around six feet about four to six inches. I have no clue how I didn’t see him. His complexion is like a dark mahogany, clear, and well taken care of. He’s that complexion you just want to bite. He has a close cut goatee, pearly white teeth, and hazel eyes. Elijah looks like an athlete, built like he works out regularly, but the softness of his hands doesn’t reflect any hard labor.

“Ms. Aaliyah, I had a change of heart and I hope you don’t mind. I would rather take you somewhere low key but nice. A little dancing after we eat?”

“Elijah I’m sorry to ask but I have too. How old are you?”

“I’m 20, how about you?”

“17.”

“Yeah, now that makes a big difference. So, why don’t we go somewhere to eat and we can do a little dancing after we eat.” Elijah said with a smile.

“If you say so.”

“Have you ever driven on the back of a motorcycle?”

“No!”

“Good, then I’ll be your first.”

Elijah handed me a helmet, told me to put it on, and he would make sure it was secure. I watched him put on his, but was having a little difficulty. I forgot to mention, he has shoulder length hair. A loose curl pattern like mine, very beautiful, with our curl pattern we can wet our hair and go. The only thing, I think women look great with long hair, not men.

“What are you waiting on? Come over here, I’ll help you.”

I handed him my helmet, he pulled me close to him, telling me he needed to be able to pull my hair back. Once the helmet was on, he hit a button on the side of it.

“Can you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“Good, these are Bluetooth helmets. When riding there’s a lot of noise you normally won’t hear when you’re in the car. This way we can still talk normally without trying to yell over the sound. I’m going on get on the bike first to balance it, then you get on right behind me. You have a choice, you can hold onto the handle bars right there or you can hold onto me. I prefer you to hold onto me.”

“I’m sure you do.” I said with a smile.

“I want to drop you off later tonight the same way I picked you up. If you’re comfortable, all you have to do is wrap your arms around my stomach but not too tight, and press your chest to my back.”

“Got it.”

Part 56

Part 56

Climbing out of the tub, I wrap the towel around me, and the phone starts to ring again. It’s been ringing for the past forty-five minutes; it would ring, then go to voicemail, and repeat itself. This time because I was up, I ran to the phone hoping it was King.

“Hello”

“I’m not giving up until you go out to dinner with me.”

“Who is this?” I said angrily.

“I didn’t make an impact at all, it’s Elijah again. From the electronic store, you know the very handsome, dapper dressed fella with the great smile. The fella that wants to be your friend. The fella that wished he had your phone number but left his on your hotel voicemail, Elijah.”

“I’m sorry, I know you’re only trying to be nice but, I really can’t right now. I’m not up to making friends at the moment, I’m trying to get over.”

Elijah cuts me off, “I know, you’re trying to get over the boy that hurt you. How about you give a man a try at being friends? Lay your burdens on me, at the least you’ll have someone to talk too, and I would love to be the one to listen.”

Taking deep breaths  trying not to burst out in tears, but it didn’t work, “I’m sorry!” As I started to cry, hanging up the phone.

I start to dry myself off but still getting wet from the tears rolling down my face and the phone rings again.

“Hello”

“I just want to be a friend to you, that’s all. Oh, it’s Elijah, from the electronic store.”

I couldn’t help but to laugh with that one, “That was cute but.”

Elijah cuts me off once again, “There is no but; when a man ask a woman to dinner after making her laugh, the polite thing to do it accompany him. I’ll pick you up at 7:30pm. Wear something comfortable so we can walk and enjoy the night air. I’m not taking no for an answer.” He disconnects.

I picked up the towel to finish drying off and the phone rings again.

“Hello Elijah”

“Who the fuck is Elijah?”

I laughed, all I could do is laugh. What are the odds in this happening but through my laughter I wanted to tell him that I was missing him like crazy. “I apologize for that.”

“Fuck your apologies. Who’s Elijah?”

“He’s just…” I had to pause, because why was I ready to explain to him who Elijah was, even if it’s nothing between us. King is married and that’s not going to change, he said that already. “What am I doing?” I said out loud but not meaning too.

“You tell me.”

“No, you have no right to know what I’m doing. You forfeited that when you did what you did. I’m over here missing you, crying over you, and for what? I disgust myself, bye.” Hanging up the phone.

I looked down at myself and I was dry as a bone. I moisturized my skin and laid on the bed in my birthday suit. Maybe I should go out, it’ll be different, and my mind would be occupied. Plus, I would love to know what he looks like. I jumped off of the bed and started looking through my clothes to find out what I can wear A pair of jeans, sneakers, and a blouse. No no, that won’t do. I want the look that screams we’re friends. My blue jeans, a tank top, my comfortable heel shoe boots, and a shawl. Yeah, that’ll work. I looked at the clock and it was a little after six, I still needed to do my hair, and get dressed.

My hotel phone rings, “Hello.”

“I’m downstairs, I would’ve come up to get you like a gentleman would but, they frown on stuff like that.”

“Okay, I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

Part 55

Part 55

I sat on the edge of the bed stunned; I mean it's nice of her to say but, I just wasn't ready for that. It didn't take me long to disregard her compliment, I needed to find a place to call home, and nothing else matters at this point. No sooner than the door close, the phone rings. All I could think is that I didn't need any more problems.

"Hello."

"Hello, this is Elijah from the electronic store."

"How did you know the hotel I was at and room number?"

"I didn’t see you getting in a car and assumed you walked. I checked all of the hotels in the area and this is the only one that was in somewhat of a walking distance, so I looked up the number, and called. When I got someone on the phone, I described you, and the lady patched me through. Listen, I apologize for the intrusion, but overheard you telling the gentleman at the cell phone kiosk you were living town in a few days but, umm."

"But what Mr. Elijah?"

"I would regret if I didn't at least attempt to try to contact you."

"For what?"

"Look, I noticed you when you walked in, your smile was something I've never seen before on a black woman, and I was hoping I could take you out to dinner before you go. I would've called your cell phone but the guy wasn't trying to give me your phone number. I offered him everything I could afford, but he wouldn't budge."

"Mr. Elijah, I just got out of a relationship,  and I don't feel now is the time to start anything in a town I don't plan to stay in, but I thank you for your call. That was sweet of you."

"I'm a sweet guy, to the right woman."

"Good bye Mr. Elijah."

"No! Wait! I know it sounds creepy, I know, and this is something I've never done before. All I'm asking for is a little conversation and dinner. No strings, maybe some laughs over good food. I not ashamed to beg."

I sat on the phone thinking for a few seconds, but decided hanging up made more sense. I pulled my laptop up and started my research in the Southern States first. Going up north was out of the question, and staying here wasn't going to happen. I needed my own independence and to get away from this man I'm deeply in love with. I found a few places in the Carolinas that have a little space between each house, not in the City, but a few bus rides away. Then a few houses for New Orleans came up, my heart sunk like the Titanic. I don’t know what came over me, I started crying like a new born baby. I tried smiling but it didn’t last; my laughter has left me, and I’m only hoping it’s not for long. I pulled myself together as much as I could, went into the bathroom, and ran me a bath.

The entire time I soaked, all I did was cry. It felt like my heart was being ripped out, like someone was squeezing my lungs, and everything inside of me was wrong. I tried to tell myself that I was better than him, that I deserved more, but at this moment all I wanted was him. I needed him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay, that he'll make it all up to me, and be a better man. Laying in the bathtub hurt; everything that I had in my mind earlier just didn’t matter, it doesn’t matter if I don’t have it with him. The sound of the phone ringing breaks my thought of finding him and telling him that I'll love him no matter what, as long as he stays with me.

Part 54

Part 54

I heard the door open, then close slowly after. Okay, so maybe the stairs wasn’t a bright idea either but, I have things to do. I walk out into the bottom level hallway, and make my way to the entrance. I felt King looking at me, out of the reflection in the window I could see him start to get up but sat back down, then biting his fist. Maybe he did love me the way he said, but I refuse to take anything less than what I deserve. I carry myself with grace and pride, I will not allow anyone to treat me as they see fit. I’d rather be alone and happy, than with someone and miserable.

I thought my plan was to pick up a phone but I went and spent almost the entire $1,000.00 in the electronic store. I got a phone, a laptop, a laptop bag of course, a camera, and some memory sticks. Walking down the road I was extremely happy, so happy, that I was horny. Now what is a girl to do about that. I kept moving with a bigger smile than normal. When I reached the parking lot to the hotel I was a little winded from the walk and as light as everything is, after walking five miles to get it and walking five miles back the weight over everything feels like it increased. Through the front doors, smiled at King’s wife, down the hallway, and on the elevator. Out of nowhere, I had to go to the bathroom and the elevator seemed to be taking forever to get to my floor. As soon as the doors opened, I was gone, running down the hallway like I was being chased. I dropped my bags, locked the door with the bolt lock, and into the bathroom to relieve myself. That was strange, I never had to tinkle that bad that fast, but I made it so who cares.

I set up my phone with no one to call, the laptop but I needed the WiFi information, and I set up the camera but it needed to charge. All that money spent and I had nothing to do. Just as I laid back there was a knock at the door.

“I need to invest in a gun.” I said out loud but as low as I could.

I look through the peep hole and it was King’s wife. I opened the door and before I could say anything she ask to come in, that she just needed to talk. Opening the door a little more so she could enter.

“I want to apologize about the other night, I didn’t know that he didn’t tell you the truth, I mean I should have known. I just need to know, did you sleep with him?”

“What did he tell you?”

“He told me that he didn’t.”

“Well, don’t you trust your husband?”

“To be honest, no. He said that you weren’t cute, that there was nothing cute about you. When I saw you I thought you were a customer because the person he described, surely wasn’t you. You’re gorgeous.”

“Thank you and so are you. He does have great taste but, I can’t help you with any questions. This is not my fight, I believe that a real woman would talk to their man, and not the other woman. You have to ask him.”

“When you came in, after you said you wanted a room, you asked me how did you taste.”

“Yeah well, I guess I have no choice but to answer that because I did say it. I feel bad because I love him and you love him, but you’re married to him and I’m not, but as much as I want to tell you everything, if there was anything; I’m sorry, I can’t. It goes against everything I believe in. You need to question your husband.”

“He came to your room, what was in the duffle bag.”

“You’re relentless, but you still need to speak to your husband. I’m not coming between your marriage, and I don’t want parts of you or your man. The only thing that would excite me right now, is the password for the Wifi in the building.”

She smiled at me, wrote the password down on the notepad that sat at my nightstand. Stood to her feet still looking at me, still smiling, “Just to let you know, I understand his cries now, you are what most of us want to be. I don’t know you, but with this brief talk we just had, I fell in love with you, and I’m straight.” She smiled one more time and started walking to the door, “Queen, can I call you Queen?”

“Umm, sure.”

“Your pussy taste great, very sweet.” She said before exiting.

Part 53

Part 53

I thought I was going to fall apart once I got to my room, I thought everything was going to come crumbling down on me. I got in the shower, closed my eyes as I held my head under the water. I could feel King all over me, in me; I could smell his skin but I can only picture him having sex with that woman, his wife. I can’t be upset with her, she didn’t know. He lied to her just like he lied to me, but the greatest thing about this entire situation, I’m okay. I’m just glad I didn’t do anything stupid in the name of love.

The next morning I woke up feeling good, hell I was feeling great. I went down to the restaurant for free breakfast and sat there reading the paper. I wanted to get my driver’s license and move to an area where the houses aren’t on top of one another, and the people are nice. Now all I needed to do is get up the money, so I can fulfill my desires. I didn’t want anything from King and I sure as well wasn’t going to ask, he’s married, and it’s not fair to her. It looks like I’ll have to get back in the game for a few months, I want what I want, and I’m going to go get it. I finished up, cleared my table, and headed back to my room. When I got off of the elevator King was standing there waiting to get on, with his wife.

“Excuse me.” I said, passing by them with a slight smile.

“Queen, I really need to talk to you.”

“You need to talk to your wife, I don’t believe in breaking up a happy home.” I replied but never turned back to look at them.

I pulled out my key, slid it through, and waited a few seconds for the green light. Walking in, there was a duffle bag on the bed and on top of it was a handwritten note that said,

“My Queen, I am so sorry that I wasn’t honest with you and I know that whatever I say doesn’t fix it or fix the way you currently feel about me. I saw for the first time when you walked away that I lost you forever. I just want to explain to you how this all happened. After two years of searching for you, the trail on you got cold. The police wouldn’t help, I couldn’t find anyone willing to put up the time to help me. I gave up, I met Yvette out here while I was trying to figure out my next move. She’s the one I slept with, so that part wasn’t a lie; I only slept with her before finding you. If I could take this marriage back I would. I committed to her and I need to keep my word, because in this World that’s all we have; our word and our name. I love you Queen, my heart’s breaking, and it breaks even more knowing that the person I was trying to protect, I hurt the most. I love you and I don’t know how to fix this without breaking my word and commitment. I wish, I never gave up. Even if it was for those three months, this is something I’ll regret. I can only promise you one thing that I know you’ll believe, I love you, I’m in love with you, and true love never dies. I cleared out the account that was in our name and all of the money is in the duffle bag, it’s a little over $750,000.00. All I ask is that you keep the engagement ring I got you, I know it means nothing at this point but I’m begging you, please.”

The bottom he signed it, your King always. I opened the bag and there it was, cash on one side, my clothes and some other little gift boxes on the other. Inside I wanted to cry, I wanted to cry for the love I just lost but I can’t come to terms on crying for something that was never mine to begin with. I took out $1,000.00 and put the rest of the money, the little gift boxes, and my engagement ring in the safe. I needed to get a phone, nothing else matters at this point, I just need a phone. This time instead of taking the elevator I took the stairs, I wanted to avoid seeing King at all cost, I just don’t want to be bothered. The closer I got to the bottom, I could hear King’s voice,

“I don’t care, keep the filthy bitch. Take the houses, take the girls, take it all, but don’t bother Queen. She’s gone, she’s out of my life, and she’s not coming back. If you want to hurt me, you’re too late, I’m already a broken man.”

Part 52

Part 52

“I’m very sorry about that, we just got married a few months ago, and he just got back into the area tonight. Please don’t report me.”

“Johana, that’s Queen.” King said stuffing his unwrapped dick back in his pants.

“I need a room, preferably upper level, and away from his sorry ass.”

“Are you mad because you lost him to me?”

“Like I said, I need a room, he’s paying for it, I will be here for two weeks, and how do I taste?”

King told her to get me whatever I wanted and he would explain later but he needed to get me settled. I never looked in his direction, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to face the man that told me he loved me and in love with me. Face the man that demanded for me to say I was his and no one else’s, and it’s not like it was that long ago; it was almost two hours ago. The sad part, I’m not angry, upset, or hurt; because in my heart I knew he was lying about the woman he was with the other night. I guess I just didn’t want to believe it. The female gave me my room key and gave one to King.

“No, he is not to have access to my room. He should not have a key, I want you to treat me like him and I are not together but he is being a nice gentleman by paying for my room. I would like another key and another room please.”

She looks at King and he basically gives her the okay with a head nod. She gives me a piece of paper with my key wrapped up in it. I told her that if he comes to my room, I’ll hold her accountable. She looks at me, like she wanted to burn a hole through my face. Now, I can’t lie, she is a beautiful woman. Not as gorgeous as me but she is beautiful, King does have exquisite taste. Heading towards the elevator, King isn’t that far in distance asking if he could talk to me. I had nothing to say, I needed to come up with a plan of my own because this man is toxic. I love him, but I love me more.

"Queen, don't ignore me."

"Leave me alone King, go deal with your wife." I stepped into the elevator and before the doors closed I heard King, just as clear as if he were standing right next to me.

"You called me King. So that means I still have you. Your mind and body still belongs to me. I’m the first one that truly love you, the first one to give you every inch of my curve, the first one to eat that box like a champ."

I stepped off the elevator to confront him, "I was yours, all yours but when you started lying and being deceitful is when that ended. After tonight, I don't want to see you again. Yes, you will always be my King but this King, I don't know him, and I don't want to know him. You're married, you were fucking a woman while I was in the car waiting for you. All you had to do is be honest and you couldn't. We're done, there's no coming back from this." Holding my head high, I walk back to the elevator, and didn't acknowledge his pleas.

Part 51

Part 51

Getting released from the hospital took hours, by the time we actually reached the car it was late at night, and I was overly tired and in need of a shower. King’s suggestion was to get a hotel for a few nights so we can come up with a plan. Without cells phones or any way to get on line, we had no other choice but to go from one hotel to the next to find a place that had rooms available. After going to eight different hotels, the last one that we were declined we decided to sit in the parking lot to look at a map of the area. All of a sudden I wanted him, not him, but his mouth. While he was focused on circling places for us to go and crossing out the places we’ve already been but had no vacancies. I dropped my pants, then stepped out of my underwear, moving my right leg so it rested on the steering wheel, and the other was on his head rest. King didn’t take is eyes off the map once, I lifted my waist in the air so all he had to do was bend just a tad to put his lips on it.

“I was wondering what this looked like in the dark.”

Turning his head in my direction, “It looks like good eaten if you ask me.”

“Then what’s the hold up?”

King went in, as King always does; but this time he went a little further south than normal. He had me so far up in the air I could damn near touch the roof of the car with my belly button. Each and every time I came, he would lift his head up just a little to ask me if I were his and only his. Before I could answer he was right back on my soft spot, making me scream yes, forcing me to tell him I was all his. It’s like he was holding me hostage, forcing me to scream out whatever he wanted to hear, as long as he wouldn’t stop I would’ve called him master. When I had enough, I dropped back down in my seat, grabbing his soaked face to kiss him. I got some paper towel from the back seat to dry off, handed some to King, and he told me that he wants it to dry so he can keep smelling me. That was cute and nasty all in the same, but what King wants he gets.

King started the car and told me he knew the perfect place and would definitely have a room for us. We were maybe thirty minutes from the hotel that he’s now suggesting. As soon as we get there, King gets out and tells me he would come back to get me, but for now I should rest my eyes because he’s ready for round two. Every so often I would raise my head to see if he returned, but no King. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem but something wasn’t right. I get out of the car not knowing what I can do, when my only weapon is a corkscrew. I got back in the car and popped the trunk, searching for something I can use as a weapon if needed. I came across a crowbar that looks like it hasn’t been touched. I grabbed that and tucked in into my pants, all I needed to do is pull it out and start swinging. I can use the corkscrew for my own protection, if someone grabs me, or gets too close.

Walking up to the door, looking behind me from time to time; the doors did not open right away, instead because of the hour they were locked. In order for me to get in, the front desk concierge would have to manually open the doors. The problem is, there’s no one at the front desk. I cross the entrance doors and what do I see, King with the female concierge bent over the sofa in the lounge area. I want to kill him, I want to beat him in his damn head with this crowbar. I mean, I know we’re not together because I said so, but we never really broke up. I stood there just watching them and then I thought, what in the hell is wrong with me. I’m over here talking to myself, telling myself that we’re not together but we never broke up. I have lost my damn mind, all because he ate the box good; I started laughing and dropped the crowbar. King looked up at me but I was laughing too hard to even give a damn. The female pulled down her skirt and walked over to open the door with a smile.

Part 50

Part 50

“I switched to Vyvanse from Adderall.”

Something so simple, well not simple but it can be treated. He is not getting a medication best for him so the mood swings could be a side effect. Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, which explains everything. The fact that he has an impulsive behavior, as sexy as he is he has low self-esteem, and having problems keeping this relationship right. Now I see why things got so crazy so fast, so giving him another chance make sense. I told him that from here on he needs to tell me everything, whatever’s on his mind, down to how he’s feeling, and when his mood changes. At least this way I can’t figure out the best medication for him and get him out of this mess. I asked King to sit on the bed.

“I see where the problem is and I’m sure that a lot of people in your life left for the same reasons, but I’m not going anywhere. All I need you to do is what I just told you and we will be fine.”

I sat up and wrapped my arms around him. When we released, I kissed him as passionately as I could, and was praying he didn’t feel the difference. Unfortunately, he did and he questioned it. I explained that it’s going to take me a little time to get back to where I was, that he hurt me really bad, and I need to heal. He told me that he has the perfect thing that would help, I sat there smiling, because he doesn’t have a clue. He got up and locked the door to the hospital room, stood at the end of the bed, lifted the sheet, and dove in face first. Rubbing my legs on the way up, I know this isn't the brightest idea, but it's the least he can do.

"I want to make it known, just because you're doing this doesn't mean we're together. I'm not making any..."

King pays me no mind and gets right to work. The talent this man has is uncanny and extremely relaxing, if I say so myself. Trying to keep quiet, I cover my mouth with the hand that's not injured, but that want enough. I kept coming, he kept licking, and swirling his tongue so every inch touches me. I let out a loud scream, pushing him away, but he pinned my legs down, and I was so close to the headboard that the only way out was off the bed.

Another twenty minutes in, and the feeling in my legs are completely gone. He hasn't come up for air but sure as hell didn't lose a bit of stamina. Then there was a knock at the door, I never been happier to see a
Doctor in my life. King gets up, wipes off his face with a towel from the bathroom, and I'm just laying there looking half stupid.

"Pull yourself together Aaliyah." King said, no smile, nothing.

I guess it serves me right, I told him to call me by my name, then opened myself up to be vulnerable. I should've known he would use this to benefit and I would fall right back in. I never understood why women would keep putting up with bullshit but if the men work the way he does, I can understand giving them one more time. The Doctor walked in just as I busted out laughing.

"Mrs. Petty, how did this happen?"

"It's Ms, I'm not married. I was trying to open up a bottle of wine for a friend, and I guess I was holding the bottle wrong, or not tight enough."

Looking at my chart, the Doctor says, "You're too young to be drinking."

"I don't drink and wouldn't if I were of age. As I stated Doctor, I was opening it up for a friend."

"Okay, well we stitched you up. You'll have to wear a brace to make sure the stitches don't pop. You don't have to worry about them being removed, they'll dissolve on their own. You did lose a lot of blood but by the sounds that was coming from this room, we can get you ready to be released. Get dressed whenever you're ready."

The Doctor walked out, closing the door behind him. King sat in a chair farthest from me with his head resting in the wall.

"You never told me who the was that you were with?"

"We're not together, so what does it matter?"

"I guess it doesn't. Were you able to get the meds you need?"

"Yeah, I did. I have enough for six months. Anyway, the woman I was with is someone that works for me, that's all."

"Why was she so close King?"

"When they see me, they greet me with a hug, and a kiss on the hand. While I was with her I got that phone call, I couldn't face you because I couldn't think straight. So I stayed at her place."

"You slept on the sofa I assume."

"No, I slept in the bed and she slept at the foot. Nothing happened Aaliyah."

I never hated my name so much, but when it comes from his lips it makes me cringe. Again, I told him to call me by my name, so he's only doing what he's told. I never cared what people thought, but now I need advice on what I should do. Do I throw myself back into him or keep the relationship strictly friends; with benefits of course.