Part 21

Part 21

We went through our days like normal, loads of fun, tummy and story time, and everyone started walking me around by holding me up by my arms; letting me walk anywhere I wanted in the house. This one day, everyone was home, a man came to visit with this huge box, and was talking to Heather and Mike. We were all sitting in the family room and everyone was on their best behavior, even me. He was talking about feet, which is weird. Who comes to someone’s home to talk about feet, so I had to ask this man who’s feet.

“Fee.” I said out loud.

Everyone stopped and looked at me, then looked at each other with a confused look; so I say it again because I wanted to know who’s feet.

“Fee.” I said again.

“Oh my gosh, yes Emily, feet.” Heather said, getting on the floor touching my feet and repeating the word again.

I wanted to also know if I already said it, why is she repeating me. Then it hits me, I said it out loud and they understood. My eyes got big and I said feet again, well the way I say it but this time I stuck out my foot. The visitor asked Heather and Mike if he may, and pointed to my feet. He pulled this metal thing that looked like a foot ruler and placed my foot on it, then he did the same to my other foot. He gives them some numbers and pulled out these shining white shoes that was brown on the bottom. Boy ran upstairs and came back down within seconds. I need to know what’s going on because if we have to run from this guy, I’ll need someone to pick me up, and pick me up now. Boy sat in front of me and grabbed one of my feet, I looked over my toys on the walker to see what he was doing, he was just putting socks on me; I’m cool with that. The visitor then got on his knees in front of me and started to put on one shoe at a time on me. He tied them up then went back to his sit, he pulled out a lollipop and Heather and Mike almost hit the ceiling.

“We don’t allow her to have candy just yet, she has to wait like the other kids, and she can have it after her first dentist appointment.” Heather said to the visitor.

Mike went in the kitchen, got a little bag of my snacks, and handed them to the man that started calling me over towards him as soon as he had hold of the bag. I put my feet on the floor and started pushing in his direction because that veggie stick was looking really good right now.

“Fee.” I said as I pushed harder.

I could hear them all laughing but I was too determined to look back for confirmation that I was making them laugh. When I finally reached him, he gave me the veggie stick, I sat back in my walker, and before I stuck it in my mouth I said feet one more time for the road. Heather came to touch my new shoes while I was enjoying my veggie stick and told the visitor that she likes them and would like to buy enough that would cover me up until I was two and a half. He stated that it’s best if she buys them as my feet grow, then Mike chimed in letting the visitor know that they aren’t sure how long they’ll have me; so they wanted to get me enough in case I leave, this way I won’t have problems with my feet when I grow up. The visitor handed them the same shoes but in different sizes and told them that if I’m still with them and my feet doesn’t fit the next shoe up to let him know and he’ll swing by to size me again, and trade it out free of charge.

I now have new shoes and ready for walking. While I’m in my walker the only time I sit is when I’ve tired myself out, otherwise I’m visiting every room on the first floor as much as I can. I follow behind Heather until she goes upstairs but instead of me waiting at the bottom of the steps like I normally do, I continued to go into every room, running over feet, and yelling out feet afterwards. Every time I do it, they laugh but it didn’t take too many times before they removed their feet from my path, then I was smooth sailing.

Part 20

Part 20

While standing in my walker playing with the toys attached to it, the caseworker told Mike and Heather that the action plan will still be reunification, that they would prefer me to be with my mother as long as she completes more classes, stay clean, and have suitable housing. Heather asked her if they are going to put her into a 90 day treatment program facility or will it be out patient.

“We can’t force her to do what’s right so it will be outpatient.” The caseworker said.

“What if she wants to go in, will the State pay for that?” Mike said.

“We want her to be willing to do this for herself, for her child.” The caseworker said.

“No disrespect Ma’am but that wasn’t my question. Do you need me to reiterate the question for you so you can provide me with the correct answer?” Mike said

“No Sir that’s not necessary. The only way we would pay for it is if it was court ordered by a Judge only.” The caseworker answered.

“We’re willing to pay for her to go into a 90 day program, this way she can get the help she needs, without any distractions, and gain her daughter back.” Heather said

“You guys are willing to pay for it out of your own pocket?” The caseworker replied looking amazed.

“She’s like a sister to me, so yes we are. She needs to raise her own child” Mike mentioned.

The caseworker told them that she will run it past her and see what she thinks about it, but can’t make any promises. Then she went back to around the time I arrived here and was telling them that when my umbilical cord was tested for drugs, there were large amounts of cocaine, PCP, and Opioids. My mom has been failing the drug screening since I was born and they started to test her three times a week, she has failed every one of them. The caseworker stated that she wants mom to be successful but she needs to cover all bases. She asked Heather and Mike that if mom cannot get and stay clean would they be willing to adopt me if that end up being on the table. Before I had a chance to look at them they both answered yes. I didn't know how to feel, if my mom gets better I would want to be with her but if she doesn't I want to stay here with them, it's a lot to deal with and my emotions are everywhere. In some ways I would like my mom to get better so I can learn this person Mike tells me about, then there's other times which is more often than not, I would rather her to leave and never come back because of all she has put me through already. I'm confused on how to feel at this point.

Not too long after they answered the case worker's questions she took my picture and went on her way. Mike and Heather just sat there for a little, then Heather asked Mike to make breakfast, and Mike yelled out she has no standing. They laughed the entire conversation off and we moved throughout the day like nothing ever happened. A lot of laughter, eating, everyone trying to teach me how to crawl; but I didn't want to crawl, I want to walk. I protested this crawling thing and just laid there watching everyone make fools of themselves, and laughing at them.

Part 19

Part 19

Five months went pass and so did more visits, they were all about the same for the most part; sleeping, a few phone calls, and her being mad at the World for what she’s doing wrong. The great thing is Heather and Mike has come to terms with them not being able to get emergency custody of me and started to joke with one another about what the Master told them, that they have no standing. It was really nice to see them laugh and smile again, and they didn’t change towards me, they still love and care for me as if I were theirs. It’s Easter and I'm eight months old now, Heather and Mike got us all dressed up to get our pictures taken, everyone received a picture by their self and guess what, I was in the family picture. I didn’t know I was going to be that excited about being in a picture but I was, because I was in a family portrait with my family; this way I will never be forgotten even if I do go back with my mom. After the pictures we went back home to change and instead of staying in for Easter dinner, we went to a fun zone. Everyone was playing and jumping, the lights are so pretty, and bright. I wanted to touch everything and Mike allowed me to do just that. I sat on his lap and drove a car inside of the fun zone, he won me a teddy bear, and fed me the inside of French fries; I was in heaven. Then it happened, I was let down on the floor while Mike was holding my arms, allowing me to feel what walking felt like. I can’t wait to walk, everyone that walks seems like they have so much fun in our house; I want to walk and have fun with my family too.

We had so much fun at the fun zone, on the ride home we were all sleeping, well except Mike and Heather. I was holding onto the youngest boy’s finger, he’s about five years old, and for whatever reason I can’t remember his name; it’s a hard name to remember, so I just call him boy in my head. I don’t remember what happened after that, the next morning I was in my crib, in my pajamas, and the radio was on playing the classical music that they listen too on Saturday mornings, but I knew today was a work day for both so I didn’t know what was going on. I laid there for a little while talking out loud to myself, playing with my feet when the door opens. I rolled over to see who it was and I had no clue who this woman was that was standing in my bedroom doorway so I did what Heather and Mike told the older kids to do and yell out stranger danger. Of course it didn’t come out like that, so crying was the next best thing. Heather walked in introducing me to the woman and she asked Heather if she would be willing to bring me down while she talks to them, she wants to see how I interact with them and now would be the best time to do that. Heather agreed and explained that she will need to get me washed up and fed before coming downstairs; the woman wanted to stay while Heather got me together for the day.

The entire time all the lady did was talk, Heather couldn’t sing to me like she normally does because we had company. Come to find out, the lady that’s here is my mom’s new caseworker. The case has been switched over because they brought my mom in for a drug screening a few days after Heather and Mike went to the family court to file for emergency custody of me. It may not have worked like they wanted it too but it did work. By the time we got downstairs I was so happy that my mom would get the help she needs and hopefully will get herself clean enough to have me back, with the understanding that I want to see my family; and not to exclude them out of my life because she’s angry for her wrong doings. I love my mom but I don’t love the stuff she does or the way she acts when she’s sick. Mike tells me funny stories about my mom every night. The fun things they did together, how she was a really sweet person but is sick now, and one day that she’ll be back to her loving self. I want to meet that person, I would love to meet her, so maybe one day soon she’ll be back to her funny, loving self; the one that Mike knows.

Part 18

Part 18

Mike and Heather came up with a plan that night to go to the Family Court in the morning. They understood that the likelihood of them getting emergency custody wasn't going to be likely since they aren't my blood, but they were willing to try which makes me feel loved more now than ever. Mike was telling Heather how bad he feels for me and that no child should have to go through this type of torment. They tried to make it a point not to talk in front of me and they weren't, they were in their room and I was in mine; but I could still hear them through the vent. Heather came in not too long after, fed, changed me, and sang me to sleep.

The next morning we set out early, so early that I was still sleepy, even though I slept the entire night through without any night terrors. As soon as we started driving, I dozed off holding Mike's finger with dreams that l would one day be there's with no more interference from the woman that birthed me with defects and addictions. I can hear them talking about setting up an account for me so that when I turn of age I'll have something that'll help me start out my adulthood on the right track. I didn't fully understand all that they were talking about but I assume it's a good thing, otherwise they wouldn't be making plans for me. Heather asked what would they do with the account when my mom gets me back and if she doesn't allow them to see me. There was silence, I guess Mike didn't completely think it through. Then it out nowhere he said that he doesn't believe my mom would do that since I'm his Goddaughter; Heather took no time before she came up with the fact that my mom already blames them for helping and believes they're the reason she doesn't have me. I hate to say it, but I think Heather's right.

We got to the Family Court and waited, and waited, and waited. I was so annoyed that I didn't want to play, learn, eat, I just wanted them to wake me when it was my turn to perform. Three bottles and six diaper changes later, they get called back to speak to someone called a Master. The Master told them that she understands why they are doing this but she can't allow emergency custody since they aren't blood related. She then explained what normally happens with situations like mine. First, my mom will follow what the Case Worker tells her to do, for example; she'll do all of the classes and stay clean. After that's done, all of the hard work of teaching me how you eat, put on clothes, and go to the bathroom on my own is when she'll really fight to get me back; because all of the hard work has been completed, and as long as she follows the Judge's instructions she'll have me back by the time I turn two. Heather's and Mike's faces were priceless, they looked shocked from what they were being told.

"Wait, so you're saying we can have this baby for two years and they'll just take her away; all she's known since birth is us. Don't get me wrong we want mom to get clean so she can have her daughter, it's not our intention to take this child, it's also not our intention to raise a child and basically hand her off to a stranger. We want to see her with her mom but we also want her safe." Heather said.

"I understand, but because you're not blood related; I'm sorry to say but you have no standing." The Master said, walking towards the door.

You could hear a pin drop on cotton as the Master exited the room without uttering another word. They looked confused, which scared me because I'm not sure what's going to happen with me. Will they send me somewhere else because they don't want to raise me and hand me over? I feel bad for them and wish I could tell the Master that I want to be their daughter; but since I can't, I have to go with whatever they choose. I don't feel in my heart that they would let me go without a fight. I'm glad and lucky to have them in my corner, I love them so much.

Part 17

Part 17

I remember the first and last visit, how my mom act towards Heather; I hope she doesn’t do that again. We walked down a few hallways, through some doors, and pass a few people to get to this colorful room with all types of things hanging. Now this place feels like home, things I can look at to keep busy. Then I see something that’s familiar, I looked at Heather and Mike and started to blow kisses. The picture of a bigger kid that was kissing their mom and I wanted to blow kisses to my parents. Even though they aren’t my blood and they aren’t the ones that gave birth to me, I love them, and they treat me like they treat their own children. Then I hear my mom yelling from across the room,

“My little girl knows how to blow kisses, yall see that? I taught her how to do that, what have yall done?”

I knew right then and there that this was going to be a long visit. This woman has lost her mind, she has seen me maybe four times since I was born a little over three months ago. When she took me from Mike she was squeezing my arm, it was starting to hurt so I let out a small cry but made sure I didn’t show her how I truly felt since the last time I almost hit the floor. She took my pacifier and kept trying to force it in my mouth, no matter how many times I spit it out to cry she shoved it right back in. I watched Heather and Mike walk out of the room and lost it. I know they're coming back, but I don’t want to be here, and she’s hurting my arm. Before I knew it, there was this nice woman that came over and asked to see me so she can find out what’s wrong. My mom wouldn’t let me go and continued to force my pacifier in my mouth to the point of almost choking me at some points. The lady was trying to tell my mom that she was maybe holding me too tight and that I didn’t want the pacifier but that did nothing but make things worse for me.

“This is my daughter, mine; not yours so don’t tell me what she does and doesn’t like.”

She walked slowly over to a chair and kept yelling about something for me to do and that I needed a play area so I can have crawl time, and that I’m crying because I have no toys to play with. The lady didn’t say much else, she sat down and just watched us; I think she knew that I was too young to be crawling. My mom started to fall asleep with me in her arms, I was scared that she was going to lose her grip, and I would go tumbling on the floor. Due to me crying when I first came in, my nose was stopped up and I couldn’t smell anything; but now, I can smell all of the dipper she smoked before she got here. I could smell the liquor on her breath and worst of all, she has my pacifier in the center of her hand. I don’t know if she washed her hands before she took me, but if there’s any PCP on her hands and it gets on my pacifier, the seizures will come not too long after the pacifier touches my mouth. I wanted to cry but knew that if I did, she would force the pacifier in my mouth like she did the first time. I stayed as quiet as I could throughout the rest of the visit, luckily she stayed sleep with me resting on her legs. When Mike and Heather walked in I saw the lady go over to talk to them. After a few minutes both Heather and Mike walked over, Heather gently picked me up, and moved away from my mom. Mike sat next to her trying to wake her up without scaring her, when she finally woke up, she stood to her feet then reached down as if I were still resting on her legs. Handed everything to Mike and walked out without saying a word.

"Ma'am, how are the courts okay with this? Why are they willing to put this child in harms way? It's obvious she's not clean, she was high when we walked in."

"I know and the only thing I can tell you is this, if you allow this to go pass the 90 days from her first court date she'll get her back, clean or not. If you're serious about helping this child you'll need to go to Family Court and file for emergency custody. That will automatically red flag the case and force it to go to the next level, but it's up to you."

Part 16

Part 16

The next morning I was awaken early, given a bottle, washed up, and dressed. I heard Heather telling Mike that she would take me to my visit alone, since he had that big blow up with my mom yesterday, but he wasn’t having it. He told her that he took off of work so he can be there for me, because I’ll need the extra security today since yesterday went so bad. I couldn’t believe this, she almost dropped me, and I still have to go visit with her; I don’t see where this is fair to me. I know that the visit is supposed to be supervised at the agency, but just to stay safe I won’t make any sudden movements. Heather makes me extra bottles and pack my diaper bag up with everything that I’ll need. She was all over the place, I think she's worried about what will happen during the visit more than she should. She’s making me nervous, I need her to calm down a little. I started to cry so I could get her attention, she came over apologizing for ignoring me, and gave me kisses on my feet. Heather told me that everything is going to be okay, I don’t know who she’s trying to convince, me or herself; I know that at the end of the visit I'll br coming home; that’s all I care about.

They had me all set up and strapped in, Mike sat in the back with me this time while Heather drove. When he got in the car she started making these funny looking faces, I let out a giggle, and they laughed right along with me; it felt good to make them laugh for a change. During the ride we laughed and he tried to sing, he voice kept cracking like he was going to cry. Are they sending me away? Are they going to drop me off and never come back? I started to cry and Mike grabbed my hand, telling me that it’s only going to be for a little while and we would be home before I knew it. Okay, I’m good now, all of these emotions are hard to understand sometimes. He was smiling and singing, but sound like he was trying not to cry; this is confusing.

It wasn’t too long after our confusing moment that we pulled up in front of this big building. Heather stopped the car and they both went into prayer for me; asking God to cover me while I was away from them, and to give my mom the love that a mother needs to do right by her child; they were talking about me. Heather ended the prayer with an Amen but Mike wasn’t done, he needed to add something that I assume he felt that Heather missed. He wanted God to give my mom the understanding of her addiction, praying that this visit opens my mom’s eyes to the beautiful angel that she has been blessed with; how this angel is and will be a blessing to anyone in her path; yes, you guess it, he’s talking about me. All of these compliments are making me smile, I like it. He closed his prayer with an Amen and kissed me on the forehead. I looked around for Heather but I couldn’t see her, then the door opens, and it scares me so bad I passed gas. Again, they laughed and I joined them while Heather is making the stink face trying to get me out of my car seat. She gave me kisses on my forehead and they both joined hands while walking into the building.

Part 15

Part 15

Not too long after Heather took me from her, she went to talk to Mike in the garage. I don’t know how long she was in there with him but I could hear him tell her to sign over her rights to me if she’s not going to do right by me. That she was told that she is not allowed in their home unless she’s sober and because Heather didn’t know the difference she allowed her in. I looked up at Heather a put my hand on her, she was crying, whispering to me that she was sorry, kissing my forehead. Turning my focus back on Mike and my mom, he started yelling at her, and she didn’t seem to hesitate to yell back. I heard a loud bang, Heather jumped up, holding tightly. She took a mad dash for the stairs and up to my room we went, closing, and locking the door behind us. Without missing a beat, she starts to sing. I can’t remember the works but the tune, that tune put me right to sleep.

Before I knew it, it was late night, and I was awaken by more night terrors. My Heather and Mike was right there, and guess who else was there; their children, my whole family was there with me again. The one they call Sarah reached in my crib to pick me up, almost immediately I felt like everything was going to be alright. This is the first time Sarah held me but it felt like I was being held by Heather so it was pretty much the same in my mind. The only difference is her voice, it was kind of high pitched but squeaky, I like it. No one has ever asked me what I feel or what I been through so far but Sarah, she asked and I couldn’t get it out fast enough. She made it seem like she knew and could understand me so I kept talking, and she kept listening and responding.

“There are nights that my dreams haunt me, I can see the evil that has plagued my body from conception to birth and that follows me no matter where I go or who I’m with. This terror within me doesn’t just affect me but it affects the people I love, Heather and Mike. Restless nights, tremors, night terrors, the sweating, shaking, loud screeching cries that could even drive a sane person insane. I see the tears in their eyes when I can’t control myself, when I’m going through withdrawal, and I know that it’s painful for them not to be able to help me; all they want to do is help for nothing in return, just for me to get a fair chance at life, and happiness. I love your parents Sarah and I love you guys. Do you think I can stay here with you?” I said the best way I know how.

Sarah responded and everyone was looking my way smiling, that’s when I knew that we don’t speak the same, we think the same but I can’t form words from my mouth the way they can. That by itself is frustrating, I did all of that talking, and she didn’t understand one word. How depressing; I nestled myself into her arms and closed my eyes so I could dream of being a part of this family.

Part 14

Part 14

Although I disapprove of the decision made without my say so, I have no other choice than to go along with it, but I didn't say I was going to like it. While I lay here, I look up at the toys that Heather and Mike put on my crib, and I think they really love me. I know they love me, I get kisses, hugs, they talk to me, and try to teach me to do things on my own, like blow kisses. It’s really easy to do, all I need to do it put my hand to my mouth and remove it, easy enough; plus it makes them smile, so I’ve been doing it even when they don’t ask me too because I love them, just as much as they love me. I don’t want to leave from here, I know that I’m safe, loved,  and I wouldn’t have to deal with the things I went through while I was at my mom’s. Most people think because we’re babies we don’t understand, we may not understand what is going on or what’s being said, but we can understand emotions; and just like someone else’s emotions can play with yours, your emotions can play with ours, and sometimes damage the fabric within us. We learn from the people we’re around and some adults just don’t get it, but Heather and Mike does; they get it.

Anytime they have something to say about me or the situation that they’re in because I’m here, they never speak in front of me. They always go into another room and close the door. Most times they both come out in tears but never miss out on the opportunity to love up on me because when they cry, I do something they think is cute, like blowing them kisses, and they fall for it every time. Today, today they both seem stressed. They haven’t seen their own children in weeks, they look tired, and must’ve aged from the time I went into the hospital until now. Mike comes to get me out of my crib, he changes me, and takes me to the living room. First day home and I’ve only been in here for a little while and guess what; it’s tummy time! I love tummy time, these two are so silly, they roll around and it’s so funny seeing their faces change but when I get the hang of it I’m going to show them how it’s done.

We were on the floor for a long time but I was enjoying myself, I guess they wanted to make up for the tummy time I lost while in the hospital. Then the doorbell started to chime, Heather got up leaving Mike and I on the floor to play on our own. He thought he was slick and tried to roll right in front of me but I put a stop to that. I raised my hand slowly and came down to catch myself and ended up catching him in the eye. I felt bad at first and wanted to cry but he started to laugh, jumped to his feet, and picked me up to give me kisses. He twirled me around and I caught a glimpse of someone that I thought was only a nightmare in my dreams, my mom. She walked in without a smile but looking around, without making eye contact with me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, it’s like I know she’s my mom but I wasn’t sure because she looks completely different than she does in my dreams, almost humanlike. She raised her arms to take me from Mike, surprised that she was even here I just kept looking at her.  She brought me in close to her and I could smell everything, everything that has caused me problems from the start. I hurl backwards screaming at the top of my lungs, but it didn’t stop there. I found out the semi-hard way that my mom didn’t have a firm grip and wasn’t ready for me to react the way I did. I went flying from her arms but Mike grabbed me just before I hit the floor. I was now beyond scared of her, I was petrified, and the thought of her holding me made it even worse. I started to freak out as soon as she sat on the sofa and reached out her arms for me again. I screamed, pulled at my ears, mouth, and hair. I didn’t want to be bothered and I wanted to show her I didn’t want any dealings with her. Heather came over to get me to calm me down, she sat next to my mom, and took me into her arms; I was safe again.