Part 1

Part 1

Smoke fills me up at least four times a day. I don’t have a name yet, I haven’t even been born, but I want to share my story in case I don’t make it. I want to tell the unheard of story that some of us go through, not all; but enough to make an impact, and show that using drugs can be detrimental to a growing baby inside of a mother's womb.

As of today, this is the first time I've been able to feel the pain and sadness; hear things that's going on or conversations around me. Today was a Doctor's visit day, my mom was talking to someone and in between every sentence she spoke, there was smoke coming in to greet me for breakfast. I'm happy she started early because my body has been aching and it feels like something is crawling on me. When she smokes early, I don't go through the pain from not having it; but I also know, it's going to be a low food day. Neither of us get too hungry when she starts early, we only eat a lot when she's taking pills, drinking that harsh liquid, or doing that other stuff.

The smoke seems to hit me all at once, maybe because she was doing a little at a time. Once she was done, I ball up, and go into a deep sleep for the duration of our journey. She normally doesn't interact with me when she's alone, so sleeping is something I can do without help.

Out of the blue, there's something cold on my mom's stomach that jolts me out of my sleep, then I heard the Doctor speaking. At first it wasn't clear, I couldn't make heads or tails of what she was saying, but I did hear her telling my mom that the drug use has to stop, if she's serious about having a healthy baby. She stated that I was around twenty-three weeks old and my due date is still for January 22nd. My mom denied everything as she normally does, when they requested for her to do a drug test she starting yelling and walking fast; I'm assuming she was leaving before the visit was completely over.

When we left the Doctor's office I could hear my mom talking almost immediately, saying how hungry she is and needed something to eat, but I wasn't hungry; maybe her hunger is different than mine since I'm older now. She told the person, she just needs the money, and a few pills to get her by until she gets paid. At first the conversation was quiet and nice; then I heard yelling and screaming, her demanding the pills over the cash. Telling the person that they weren't worth anything and she should've known not to get pregnant by a dealer. I'm not sure what that means, I was hoping there wouldn't be anymore smoke for the day, I was too tired to cope with this morning's dose.

Hours has gone pass and all she seemed to be doing was walking. I'm hungry, and started pulling at my umbilical cord for food, but nothing comes. She slowed down for a few, I could hear a lot of talking by different people, they were touching my mom's stomach; pushing a little to find me, but I kept moving because I was hungry, and didn't want to be bothered. A few minutes into them all talking at the same time, I gave another tug on my umbilical cord, this time something came, but it wasn't food.

First, there's a harsh liquid, followed by little grainy particles, the pills that make me feel sleepy. The hunger was still there but I couldn't stay awake long enough to pull on my cord again. Then there was smoke, and lots of it; I felt like I was in a dark place, darker than being inside someone. A place that's sad to begin with, a place where I didn't want to be, but it made me feel good, but alone. I was trying to breath but my cord was filled with smoke that smelled different than the one that taste minty. I remembered my mom asking someone for a cigarette; then there was a minty smoke that came down. Cigarettes, I like those better than this stuff that causes me to sleep all day, my skin itch, and body ache the next day.